SOLITUDE

Riding the AC Transit buses amongst
wash lines of East Oakland
one orange shirt suspended in
cold clarity like a flag of occupation
I thought it said archangels
but awoke to a voice saying change trains 
to the the Richmond line
each morning I'd ride out to CAL
jeeped up on caffeine or stuck from too much weed from the night before
after school and then after work
I'd go home 
falling asleep on the BART train
only to wake to the voice of the train operator
or
the smokey red eye slowly closing over
The Bay
that fall
I'd buy flowers on the walk home
center them on my one table 
in a trapezoid of strange light
I'd watch the light slant through and leave them
in solitude.

THINK ABOUT IT

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

As much as I want to, I kind of don't believe in committed relationships anymore. I don't know if a committed relationship is for me. I take relationships seriously, so when I am in one, I go all out. I give, and give, almost to a fault. The problem with giving is that I tend to match up with people who are more than willing to take with no thoughts of reciprocating. So, I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve.

It would be safe to say that a only a quarter of my heart is open and receptive to the thought of being in a relationship right now. Meeting someone, taking the time to get to know them, trying to distinguish the real from the bullshit is so taxing. I really don't have the energy. Getting close to someone, and letting them into your intimate life takes SO MUCH energy that could be used elsewhere. I want to believe that a couple can get together and live happily ever after. But, every time I start to think that way, something happens to reinforce my beliefs that maybe relationships just don't work.

I know that shying away from relationships may leave me with a void. I may get lonely because I don't have that special man in my life. But, sometimes I think I would rather be lonely than deal with the heartache.

WHOA!!! IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

It's been almost two months since my last entry. Wow. OK. I have to say that I have been uninspired. I haven't had anything important to say. I was also scared. I was scared to write because I needed to. But, that type of self exploration and self examination can lead to feelings of inadequacy, and like most people, I try to protect myself from that. Probably not the most healthy choice. So I'm ready, again, to take a long hard look at myself. The remedy for all of that is to write, write, and write some more. So, I'll try.

Words Never Rang Any Truer

Welcome to your life
There's no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on Mother Nature
Everybody wants to rule the world.

It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world.

There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you.
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world.

I can't stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you'll never never never never need it
One headline why believe it?
Everybody wants to rule the world.

The Regretted One

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Big Ced not to long ago. Ced recently moved back to his native Brooklyn after being in California for 10 years. Ced is 32.  He is 6'3". He is a Howard U alum with B.S.  in physics. He holds a masters in education, and moved back to New York to pursue his Ph.D. He is also spiritual, family oriented, thoughtful, a Virgo (+++) creative, handy around the house, and fine. WHEW!! Can he do any wrong? Not in my eyes. So why, you ask, haven't I hemmed him up? That's another whole post that I will probably not write.  Let's just say, I know TOO much. Way too much. I know...awwww.....


Anyway, here's a snippet of the conversation:


{{PHONE RINGS}}


Me:  Hey Ced, I was  just about to call you.


Ced:  Right. {Melancholy tone}


Me: What's wrong?


Ced:  {After a 5 minute sigh} Nothing.


Me:  Don't play games. What's up?


Ced:  L, I fucked up.


Me:  What?!?!? What happened? Do you need a lawyer?


Ced:  {laughing uncontrollably} Girl, QUIT! Nah...I messed  up with her.


Me:  {thinking to myself} Here we go...


Ced:  I think.. I made the wrong decision.


Me:  You think....or you know. Why are you regretting your decision. Your the KING of never looking back. You said the relationship could never work because she's older {8 years}, she has a child {17 years}, and because both of you are at different stages in your lives. Right?


Ced:  Yeah.


Me:  You said even though you loved her, you didn't think it would work. So, not only did you end it, you left. You moved across the country. Thousands of miles away. Now your speaking your regrets? {{side eyeing him through the phone}} Ced, you've been stuck in this perpetual matrix of bachelorhood. All of your excuses are bullshit. You're afraid of grown up love. You're afraid of the responsibilities of grown up love. 


Ced:  I know.


Me:  Call her. Tell her you love her. The obstacles can be overcome. Anyway, your obstacles aren't even obstacles! She's a phenomenal woman. TRUST..someone is waiting to take your spot.  I'm telling you...don't let her slip away. Don't. Don't do anything you're not ready do to, but just don't let her slip away. Whatever that means for you.


Ced:  Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow.




After the I hung up with Ced, I think I sighed for about 10 minutes. How sad is it to be too paranoid to love. No judgments are coming from me, because I not immune from this.  No one wants to be vulnerable. I KNOW I don't. We have built up walls so high that no mortal can climb. We are afraid to be hurt. The pain in considerably unbearable. But, it is true that you can't truly feel or understand love without experiencing pain along the way. 


But, how do we know when we've found "the one"? What are the signs? I wish it could be as easy as big, bang, flash in the sky. "OK. He's the one." Obviously, it's not that easy. We have to go through a plethora of ogres before we find our king or queen. The journey is the lesson. One day I'll say to my King:  Your love is the air that I breathe that sustains my heart and gives me strength...gives me life. That type of love is attainable. I just can not be afraid to receive it. Ced was afraid. But now he sees the light.

My Neck Hurts

This is literally giving me life right now. Music. Just Music. No words to cloud my mind. Refocus time. Refocus. Sit back. Relax. But, protect your neck. XOXO