The Regretted One

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Big Ced not to long ago. Ced recently moved back to his native Brooklyn after being in California for 10 years. Ced is 32.  He is 6'3". He is a Howard U alum with B.S.  in physics. He holds a masters in education, and moved back to New York to pursue his Ph.D. He is also spiritual, family oriented, thoughtful, a Virgo (+++) creative, handy around the house, and fine. WHEW!! Can he do any wrong? Not in my eyes. So why, you ask, haven't I hemmed him up? That's another whole post that I will probably not write.  Let's just say, I know TOO much. Way too much. I know...awwww.....


Anyway, here's a snippet of the conversation:


{{PHONE RINGS}}


Me:  Hey Ced, I was  just about to call you.


Ced:  Right. {Melancholy tone}


Me: What's wrong?


Ced:  {After a 5 minute sigh} Nothing.


Me:  Don't play games. What's up?


Ced:  L, I fucked up.


Me:  What?!?!? What happened? Do you need a lawyer?


Ced:  {laughing uncontrollably} Girl, QUIT! Nah...I messed  up with her.


Me:  {thinking to myself} Here we go...


Ced:  I think.. I made the wrong decision.


Me:  You think....or you know. Why are you regretting your decision. Your the KING of never looking back. You said the relationship could never work because she's older {8 years}, she has a child {17 years}, and because both of you are at different stages in your lives. Right?


Ced:  Yeah.


Me:  You said even though you loved her, you didn't think it would work. So, not only did you end it, you left. You moved across the country. Thousands of miles away. Now your speaking your regrets? {{side eyeing him through the phone}} Ced, you've been stuck in this perpetual matrix of bachelorhood. All of your excuses are bullshit. You're afraid of grown up love. You're afraid of the responsibilities of grown up love. 


Ced:  I know.


Me:  Call her. Tell her you love her. The obstacles can be overcome. Anyway, your obstacles aren't even obstacles! She's a phenomenal woman. TRUST..someone is waiting to take your spot.  I'm telling you...don't let her slip away. Don't. Don't do anything you're not ready do to, but just don't let her slip away. Whatever that means for you.


Ced:  Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow.




After the I hung up with Ced, I think I sighed for about 10 minutes. How sad is it to be too paranoid to love. No judgments are coming from me, because I not immune from this.  No one wants to be vulnerable. I KNOW I don't. We have built up walls so high that no mortal can climb. We are afraid to be hurt. The pain in considerably unbearable. But, it is true that you can't truly feel or understand love without experiencing pain along the way. 


But, how do we know when we've found "the one"? What are the signs? I wish it could be as easy as big, bang, flash in the sky. "OK. He's the one." Obviously, it's not that easy. We have to go through a plethora of ogres before we find our king or queen. The journey is the lesson. One day I'll say to my King:  Your love is the air that I breathe that sustains my heart and gives me strength...gives me life. That type of love is attainable. I just can not be afraid to receive it. Ced was afraid. But now he sees the light.