SOLITUDE

Riding the AC Transit buses amongst
wash lines of East Oakland
one orange shirt suspended in
cold clarity like a flag of occupation
I thought it said archangels
but awoke to a voice saying change trains 
to the the Richmond line
each morning I'd ride out to CAL
jeeped up on caffeine or stuck from too much weed from the night before
after school and then after work
I'd go home 
falling asleep on the BART train
only to wake to the voice of the train operator
or
the smokey red eye slowly closing over
The Bay
that fall
I'd buy flowers on the walk home
center them on my one table 
in a trapezoid of strange light
I'd watch the light slant through and leave them
in solitude.

THINK ABOUT IT

WHERE IS THE LOVE?

As much as I want to, I kind of don't believe in committed relationships anymore. I don't know if a committed relationship is for me. I take relationships seriously, so when I am in one, I go all out. I give, and give, almost to a fault. The problem with giving is that I tend to match up with people who are more than willing to take with no thoughts of reciprocating. So, I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve.

It would be safe to say that a only a quarter of my heart is open and receptive to the thought of being in a relationship right now. Meeting someone, taking the time to get to know them, trying to distinguish the real from the bullshit is so taxing. I really don't have the energy. Getting close to someone, and letting them into your intimate life takes SO MUCH energy that could be used elsewhere. I want to believe that a couple can get together and live happily ever after. But, every time I start to think that way, something happens to reinforce my beliefs that maybe relationships just don't work.

I know that shying away from relationships may leave me with a void. I may get lonely because I don't have that special man in my life. But, sometimes I think I would rather be lonely than deal with the heartache.

WHOA!!! IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

It's been almost two months since my last entry. Wow. OK. I have to say that I have been uninspired. I haven't had anything important to say. I was also scared. I was scared to write because I needed to. But, that type of self exploration and self examination can lead to feelings of inadequacy, and like most people, I try to protect myself from that. Probably not the most healthy choice. So I'm ready, again, to take a long hard look at myself. The remedy for all of that is to write, write, and write some more. So, I'll try.

Words Never Rang Any Truer

Welcome to your life
There's no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on Mother Nature
Everybody wants to rule the world.

It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world.

There's a room where the light won't find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I'll be right behind you.
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world.

I can't stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you'll never never never never need it
One headline why believe it?
Everybody wants to rule the world.

The Regretted One

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Big Ced not to long ago. Ced recently moved back to his native Brooklyn after being in California for 10 years. Ced is 32.  He is 6'3". He is a Howard U alum with B.S.  in physics. He holds a masters in education, and moved back to New York to pursue his Ph.D. He is also spiritual, family oriented, thoughtful, a Virgo (+++) creative, handy around the house, and fine. WHEW!! Can he do any wrong? Not in my eyes. So why, you ask, haven't I hemmed him up? That's another whole post that I will probably not write.  Let's just say, I know TOO much. Way too much. I know...awwww.....


Anyway, here's a snippet of the conversation:


{{PHONE RINGS}}


Me:  Hey Ced, I was  just about to call you.


Ced:  Right. {Melancholy tone}


Me: What's wrong?


Ced:  {After a 5 minute sigh} Nothing.


Me:  Don't play games. What's up?


Ced:  L, I fucked up.


Me:  What?!?!? What happened? Do you need a lawyer?


Ced:  {laughing uncontrollably} Girl, QUIT! Nah...I messed  up with her.


Me:  {thinking to myself} Here we go...


Ced:  I think.. I made the wrong decision.


Me:  You think....or you know. Why are you regretting your decision. Your the KING of never looking back. You said the relationship could never work because she's older {8 years}, she has a child {17 years}, and because both of you are at different stages in your lives. Right?


Ced:  Yeah.


Me:  You said even though you loved her, you didn't think it would work. So, not only did you end it, you left. You moved across the country. Thousands of miles away. Now your speaking your regrets? {{side eyeing him through the phone}} Ced, you've been stuck in this perpetual matrix of bachelorhood. All of your excuses are bullshit. You're afraid of grown up love. You're afraid of the responsibilities of grown up love. 


Ced:  I know.


Me:  Call her. Tell her you love her. The obstacles can be overcome. Anyway, your obstacles aren't even obstacles! She's a phenomenal woman. TRUST..someone is waiting to take your spot.  I'm telling you...don't let her slip away. Don't. Don't do anything you're not ready do to, but just don't let her slip away. Whatever that means for you.


Ced:  Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow.




After the I hung up with Ced, I think I sighed for about 10 minutes. How sad is it to be too paranoid to love. No judgments are coming from me, because I not immune from this.  No one wants to be vulnerable. I KNOW I don't. We have built up walls so high that no mortal can climb. We are afraid to be hurt. The pain in considerably unbearable. But, it is true that you can't truly feel or understand love without experiencing pain along the way. 


But, how do we know when we've found "the one"? What are the signs? I wish it could be as easy as big, bang, flash in the sky. "OK. He's the one." Obviously, it's not that easy. We have to go through a plethora of ogres before we find our king or queen. The journey is the lesson. One day I'll say to my King:  Your love is the air that I breathe that sustains my heart and gives me strength...gives me life. That type of love is attainable. I just can not be afraid to receive it. Ced was afraid. But now he sees the light.

My Neck Hurts

This is literally giving me life right now. Music. Just Music. No words to cloud my mind. Refocus time. Refocus. Sit back. Relax. But, protect your neck. XOXO

On Repeat

This has been on repeat.

Miguel---All I Want Is You (feat. J. Cole)

Loves it. Just Loves it.

Think Outside The Box

Push the envelope.

Challenge the status quo.

Diversify beauty.

Are You A Sore Loser?

I don’t know how I found these guys. I’m sure it was through one of my many-- insomniac-I-can’t-sleep-so-let-me-whore-through-the-internet-looking-at- and-downloading-random-shit-nights. Yeah, I’m sure it was. Anyway… Brown + Blue = Sore Losers, and they are from the Dirty D, or Dallas, if you aren’t up on your southern terms. Sore Losers define themselves as an experimental hip hop group. I define them as pretty damn dope. I expect good things and great success from these fellas. If you know me, you know I’ve predicted many winners {side eye at myself}.  So take a listen, and go ahead and bob yo head.


To download their free digital album go to:  SORE LOSERS FREE DOWNLOAD


 For all you tweetheads, connect with them via Twitter:  
 SoreLosers
 BrownSoLoser
 BlueSoLoser

A BLACK MAN'S MANHOOD

Last night , I was listening to the incomparable Jill Scott. Beautifully Human—Words and Sounds, Vol. 2 has been in put back in rotation and has been there for some weeks now. But, for some reason it sounded different on this night, and when "The Fact Is (I Need You)" came on I let out a loud and exasperating sigh at the climax of the song:

I could be congresswoman

Or a garbage woman or

Police officer, or a carpenter

I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl

God what you've done to me

Kind of lover I could be

I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist

Or I could be much more and a myriad of this

Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss

And even though I can do all these things

I need you

And even though I can do all these things

We need you

We need you

We need you

And even though I can do all these things by my damn self

I need you

I do, I do, I do, I do

“We need to give brothers back their manhood”, I said aloud.

Black love has been under siege. Slavery, continuing racism, and oppression have deeply fractured our lives and relationships. History, societal forces, and even government policy have worked together to put stressors on black relationships. The slave master’s divide and conquer philosophy of, never letting a black women think she can count on a black man and never letting a black man think he can take care his woman, has continued to flourish in our communities. The emergence of the welfare system in the 1960’s discouraged many poor women from finding husbands. In the 1970’s and 1980’s, drugs infiltrated our communities and ravaged and pummeled our families. These are disturbing legacies that must be extinguished.

We need to remember and truly understand our brother’s plight and current circumstance. Brothers, in America, have been and continue to be on the defense at all the times and must always ready for the next insult or assault. They receive these insults and assaults from outsiders, as well as from sisters. Being on the defensive makes it difficult for brothers to open up and be vulnerable. Society says that men need to be dishonest with their emotions. Society teaches men to run from intimacy and self-love. Despite what society says, we need to allow brothers to be courageous and free. You can’t build relationships and learn to love without being courageous and free. We need to allow our men to confront their fears, in order to understand who they are as men.

I know, I know. Some sisters are tired, and disappointed. A lot of us have adopted the “I can do bad all by myself” doctrine. Some of us think we don’t need our men anymore. Some of us have run out of patience. Yes, there is an urgent need for brothers to grow up, mature, and take responsibility for their families and relationships. There is an urgent need for brothers to secure our children, and recover our communities. But, brothers cannot do this alone. Sister cannot do this alone. Sisters need to continue to support, and be patient. We must continue to be encouraging. Sisters must continue to be loving. We must love our black men more strongly. Loving strongly does not equate to being enablers. Sisters must stop being enablers, and brothers must cease in the manipulation of our emotions. Brothers should be aiming to cooperate, and not to dominate.

Building healthy, loving, and successful relationships is a major key that will aid in the progress of recovering our communities. This is a key to our transformation. We cannot abandon our brothers. We need to show appreciation, give appropriate criticism. We need to give brothers the freedom to be men, again. This right was stolen from them over 250 years ago. This is the most revolutionary thing we can do.

BECAUSE WEEKENDS WERE MADE FOR FUN

It's the weekend. HEYYYYYY!!! If you aren't in the mood already, here's some fly 80's ish to GET you in the mood!! VIVA LA 80's!!!!!!

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

INTROSPECTION

WHEN

i talked about space

i told him i meant real space

he thought i actually meant

nothing at all

***********************************************

RECONSIDERATION

Give grief its head,

I say. Allow it its

place and put no

pressure on sorrow to fit

another's tight-time.

My mouth mouths.

Lips flap. I advise

with the hollowness

of a Republican in November.

Rather, speak containment

How to cut costs:

close, sever, cauterize.

I can no more encompass

the all of this than

re-member your bones

from gristle and ash.

SWEET SALONE

Hey now. Hey! Here comes the Salone flava in ya ear. Click the link: http://www.twitvid.com/FWJKH and check out my Twitter sistah

@mltheQUEENjr rock the mic!! Happy Saturday!

THE SUN GIVES ME STRENGTH

It's a beautiful California day. Go out. Soak in some rays, and listen to some good new music. If the weather is bad where you are, then stay in and listen to some good new music. Either way check out this out: Rocki Evans - More Songs About Girls

My faves are: Mr. Heartbreaker and Shape of My Heart. What are your faves?

No justice. No peace?

At about 4:00 P.M. the verdict was announced: involuntary manslaughter. My eyes welled up, tears slowly rolled down my face. I cried, not because of the injustice of the verdict. I cried because, I am a mother. I can relate to Oscar Grant’s mother, Wanda Johnson. I have lost not one, but two children. Although my losses were not nearly as public, I can relate. A mother’s grief over the loss of a child is merciless. The process is strenuous, and Wanda Johnson had to experience that again today. My heart goes out to her because, I can relate. What happens now? You can’t help but to feel somewhat defeated. Visions of Rodney King. Visions of Amadou Diallo. Sean Bell. Ayanna Jones. Lovelle Mixon. The list can literally go on forever. But, after the protestors are gone. After the media has packed up their equipment and left the scene. After the police have made the last arrest for the night. After Johannes Mehserle is sentenced. After all is said and done, and after “normalcy” has set in a mother has lost her child, again. A daughter has lost her father, again. A community has lost a black man, again. What are the solutions?

JUSTICE

The city is breathing slow and shallow. Waiting. There are several possible outcomes. Some we want more others. But, in the end will justice really be served? Nothing can bring Oscar back. That would be ultimate outcome.

Current State Of Mind

LOVE

Love is a simple word. Easy to spell. Difficult to define. Hard to live without.

Where life exists, love is supposed to exist.

Love is supposed to be never-ending.

Love is unconditional, supposedly.

Love is hard to understand.

Still, love is amazing.

Love is a MOVEMENT it sparks REVOLUTIONS.

If you don't understand that, maybe love is over your head.

Love can be one-sided. Unequally reciprocated.

Love is not a free gift.

Love is earned.

Love is taken for granted.

Love is given away.

Love is tossed up. Turned out.

Love is misconstrued. Misinterpreted. Mistaken.

Love is often mistaken for lust,

and nobody wants to take responsibility for that

miscommunication.

EYES. WIDE. SHUT.

Love is that accidental slap in the face.

Or that impromptu transgression.

"I don't know how it happened, babe."

Love apologizes profusely and says,

"Baby I'm sorry. I'll never do it again."

But, love does it again, and love makes you forget.

Love forgives, almost to a fault.

Yet, love is amazing.

All we need to is love to get by!

Love makes those sweet and sincere promises.

Then love disappoints.

So, love hangs on waiting for change.

Then love is regretted, and love sheds tears that flow like raging rivers.

But, love is still amazing.

Love makes you call incessantly, and when love doesn't answer --

love makes you get in your car to drive by to see if love is home.

Or, to see who is at love's house.

Love make you see SIGNS that are not there.

Love makes accusations that are unfounded.

Love contributes to a vivid imagination because love sometimes makes you

CRAZY.

"Am I crazy?"

Love makes you second guess yourself.

Love can make you a stranger to your own self.

Still, love is amazing.

Love strips your sight and forces you to feel.

Feel with no knowledge of what is to come.

Love is naked.

Bare.

Love is vulnerable.

Love is lonely.

Love is silence.

quiet.

Love is silence.

Love comes with time. Love takes time. Love is time.

Love is not perfection. Love is seeing their flaws, and loving them even more.

Love is his heavenly presence. A silhouette of his greatness.

Love is reserved for my KING.

True love...when I find my KING.

Love is him being my first thought at sunrise and my last thought at sunset.

Love is glorious.

Love is him finding his way to my heart without me having to give him the specific

latitude and longitude

coordinates.

Love is often misguided.

But, love is still amazing.

Love is selfless. Love is self-serving.

Love is what keeps the heart pumping.

Love makes the world go round.

Supposedly, because love is amazing.

Love applauds you.

Love accepts you.

Love. Does. Not. Judge.

Loves know that you are worthy.

Loves is patience.

Love is honesty.

Love is trust.

Love is commitment.

Love is respect.

Love is always open. Love never closes.

Love is not for the weak-minded.

Love is not malicious.

Love is unexplainable. It is inexplicable.

Love makes you realize who matters. Who never mattered, and who always will matter.

Love is a action word. Love is not dormant. Love is not passive.

Love should be easy, but it is not.

Love is WORK.

Love is amazing.

Love. Is. Real

Love is you. Love is me.

Love is them. Love is we.

Love is us.

Love is a simple word. It is easy to spell. Difficult to define. Hard to live without.

Love is amazing.

But.

Love is

for me

right now....

Over-rated.

Hey there. Hi!

So, I've jumped on the blogger bandwagon. {insert crowd cheering here} I think I'm here to basically be random. To talk about life, music, fashion, politics, poetry and whatever else comes to mind. But mostly, I think I will use this blog as a creative outlet. A place where I can come to when my "real world" day is over. A place where I can just be myself. Express myself freely. Be true to myself. I hope you enjoy the ride.